Dish is on the fritz.  Literally.  There is ‘water in the horn’ as they say when……..well, water is in the horn.  The dish has an arm that holds a device like a ray-gun with a hand mirror stuck on the end.  This device points at the dish and transmits and receives my signal.  Seems my little mirror-like device is 1/3 full of water distorting incoming and outgoing signals to the point that I am incommunicado except for a few seconds now and then.  Sending this may take a while.

I called my satellite technical service.  After an hour of ‘messin’ with settings and diagnostics over the phone, we concluded the problem was with the horn. 

“Do not touch the ‘horn’ sir.  It is a highly technical device that only authorized technicians are able to service.  It will void your warranty if you touch it.”

“OK.  Fine.  I live on a remote island. The warranty is over anyway.  21 days passes quickly, you know.  The service technician will take three weeks to get here if he is in the mood.  Which he rarely is.  So, waddya saying, I cannot take off the mirror and fix it?”

“It is highly dangerous sir.”

“I just spent the day taking down deadfall trees on a moss-covered slope with a chainsaw.  Which is more dangerous?”

“I don’t know what a deadfall tree is, sir.  And I cannot advise you, sir, but I would advise you to make sure that the power is off if you should choose to do something unwise.”


Hmmmmmm……..should I choose to do………?   “Now we are talking.  Just how unwise could I get?  Imagine the dumbest customer on the planet………..what no good could he get up to?”

“Well a person knowing nothing and trying anyway might try to take the horn off and drain it. Technically a violation of the warranty that has expired.  Poor fool.”

“Would the imbecile be successful?”

“Not likely but it would definitely determine if the horn was at fault.  And draining away the water might work but it is just not the right protocol. Proper protocol requires replacing the unit.  I doubt that even resealing the horn would work.”

“Thanks.  First I am going to phone my authorized dealer and technician.  Then I am going to phone my doctor (which is apparently always good advice even if you are not going to do anything).  I may also consult legal advisers and then I am going to string orange tape around the site with warning signs everywhere.  Of course, I’ll be wearing my hard hat and day-glow vest at the time.  I will not have any silicon seal nearby.  And no one will go near the lethal thing!”

“Good.  I am glad you appreciate the impossibility of your doing this work, sir.  We cannot be held responsible.”

“Me, neither.  That’s why the orange tape.  Whew!  We came mighty close to doing something silly.  Thanks!  And goodbye.”

“Goodbye, sir!