Basically, Sally and I built our own place. But not 100%. More like 80%. But even that is hard to figure out because building the cabin is only 50% of ‘putting the place together’. Constructing the actual cabin is only half the job of making a home. If.
But there is another variable as well. No one can do everything. We had orders of materials made up, design discussions with architects, deliveries, some basic framing done on the gen-shed, boat shed and the big house and, thank God, a lead-hand in the dry-walling. Local guys Merl and H. put the steel roof on – we simply didn’t know how. We still wax poetic about Big Bill Noseworthy, the dry-waller with a special place reserved in heaven (for big, goofy guys who work like mules and do it with humour and skill while sleeping on site).
We also enjoyed the occasional but always freakily-well-timed visit of someone who actually knew how to do the job we were just embarking on. Sally’s bro-in-law (another) Doug, my friend Steve H and my other friend, Gene-O have gobs of knowledge and experience and a healthy appetite for Sally’s food. They were a real blessing as were the odd (in every sense of the word) visit from neighbours who had ‘been there and done that’ to get where they are.
Of course, we would have ground to a halt and died on the site if it were not for the continual support of the best neighbours on the planet, John and Jorge.
The point: even if you are an introspective, psychotic hermit building remote up the desolate midcoast in the winter, people show up in your life one way or another. It is all weird. It is all learning. It is all good. And it is another variable in the mysterious process that is cabin building. This article following was written in the beginning with a bit of that in mind……..well, certainly the learning part, anyway.
The challenge of getting your cabin built on a remote site is often confused with the limited difficulties of actual construction. That is a mistake. They are not the same. Wilderness cabin construction is not complicated, difficult nor does it require exceptional skills beyond that of a normal brain surgeon or nuclear physicist.
But ‘getting’ a cabin built is an extraordinarily difficult undertaking requiring patience, cash, basic drawing skills, research, negotiations and, most important of all, the ability to communicate creatively and speak in numerous dialects of ‘bastardized’ English. There simply is no training for this, no education, no way to prepare. When you are at this point, buddy, you are completely on our own and it is at this stage the outcome of your project is largely determined.
The actual ‘drive-the-nail-into-the-wood’ construction part of the process only constitutes about 20% of the undertaking and the primary characteristic required of the do-it-yourself hammer-wielder is simply the ability to persevere under the typical constraints of inadequate tools, insufficient skills and domestic-grade materials while suffering from intermittent physical trauma, sporadic blood loss and constant dehydration. Admittedly, constructing off-the-beaten path is a major challenge but, in the larger context of ‘putting it all together’, it is mere child’s play. Let me explain……
Firstly, there are the foreign languages to master. Or, more accurately put, the patois English of the professional and construction trades. Every architect, contractor, supplier, salesman or tradesman has their own vocabulary and verbal abbreviations – usually just a series of half-sentences filled with strings of letters, abbreviations, non-words and sometimes a number is thrown in for colour. Example:
“You want to use ‘T-Y’s on a two over twelve pitch done dink-style or standard… whichever makes the most sense. Just don’t use that FTE crap. Better to use FTX with an overlay, I think. Or you could spray, I suppose.”
These instructions are delivered in the “I-assume-you-know-the-language-manner” that is primarily utilized to minimize questioning and promote confusion. By speaking this way, their fees are rationalized (by them). Take some solace in knowing that the construction trades are encountering the computer-geeks these days and that God and His revenge works in wondrous ways.
A neophyte cabin builder wandering unguided in the building community feels much like a Southern debutante lost in darkest Africa having to ‘rely on the kindness of strangers’ and a smattering of Swahili. The dependencies are humiliating. “Of course I am using a tied-off sona tube with pygmy fittings! I got the X9’s and the spray. But thanks for asking.”
Speaking more rapidly than they work, building consultants and suppliers explain in a mumbled slur of monotone incoherence what they are about to do using words derived from a minimum of two official languages not necessarily official on this planet. Sometimes it sounds like a mix of British slang and ‘Canajun-eh’. Other times it is just a slurry of macho mishmash punctuated with swear words, monosyllabic grunts and facial tics. But mostly it is a combination of all of the above mixed liberally with verbal short-cuts, industry specific techno-garble and sentences which only end when their cell phone rings or your credit card has been processed.
The communication styles also change with the seasons and the times. And, even more perplexing, they change with the different stores, neighbourhoods and even the time of day. After four in the afternoon, you can sometimes factor in a little beer to the conversation and depending on how much you have consumed relative to what they have consumed, the conversation either gets much better or much worse. I found that sprinkling every sentence with analogies to sports, women’s anatomy or engines facilitates most construction related conversations.
Plus my napkin drawings are starting to have some extra appeal.
Speaking construction gibberish, however, is not enough. One also has to learn to interpret. “We’ll do the full nine ‘f-ing’ yards, man, of siding like the ‘f-ing’ tanlines on a centrefold this week because my ‘f-ing’ guys are going like a hemi ‘f-er’on nitro”. Translation: we’ll cut the Cedar planks this week. Maybe.
In addition to the weird dialects used there is the absurd industry vocabulary itself. Nothing is as named or measured. A 2×4 hasn’t been a 2×4 for decades but did you know that a 3-foot by 5-foot window commonly referred to as a ‘3×5’` is not really a 3×5? It’s an inch and a half smaller in every direction. Did you know that sona tubes aren’t used for listening? Three-quarters inch siding is actually 5/8’s? Wire mesh is often plastic? Angle iron is not made of iron?
Did you know that the tenth bag of cement actually weighs twice as much as the first one? Or all of the PVC fittings in one store won’t fit the pipe they sell but they will fit the pipe the store across town has? And, of course, that store doesn’t sell the fittings.
But, I digress…..
Not all of those in the industry speak funny. There is a significant portion who manage by not speaking at all. They don’t answer the phone, don’t answer their e-mails and, when actually sighted and cornered, communicate primarily with shrugs and grunts. Only the psychopaths in the business will actually look you in the eye. Think about that. When that happens, look away, shrug and mumble a few words of incoherence. No wonder communication is bad, eh?
Ironically, these more elusive participants in the industry are often the most sought after. Playing hard to get is coquettish and fetching in romance and it seems to be the marketing strategy of the construction trades as well. One thing is always made clear, however, and that is that nothing is clear. The napkin drawings are always destroyed on the spot. No promises are made. Anything can change. And, should the unexpected happen, you are supposed to get informed telepathically as these guys are always too remote or too busy to phone.
Another given: whichever day is chosen, whatever time is selected, those are the times that will never happen. It is actually easier to predict the next sequence of numbers on the Lotto 649 than it is to confirm a date and time for anything in the building trades. To some extent, I think we all know this. That is not really news. But the discrepancies experienced in the more remote cabin building areas are exceptional.
When asked why a delivery was not made in the week it was expected, it is just as likely the reply could be: “Oh, yeah…right. The wife and I were in Mexico. Needed a break, you know. Ever been to Los Banyos?”
When they miss you in the construction business, they miss you big time. By weeks, usually. Sometimes months.
Hello?
“Hi, Dave? Jack. Got my crew here. Ready to start. But I think you should come down here. There’s a house in the way. Want us to demolish it?”
Jack? Jack, the foundation guy? Jack! I thought you were dead! Your wife remarried, your kids have graduated and no one has seen you for years!
“Yeah, well, you know…..things got a little busy there for awhile and well, we are ready to start pouring.”
Jack, that house you are wondering about is the house I was planning to build. The foundations were poured a year ago. I am living in it. You are a bit late.
“Damn, man! You mean you hired somebody else? You know, I am laying out good money for my crew here…….”
Building a remote cabin is more than logistics. It is cultural. And it is mystical. You gotta learn the languages, you need to know the signs, you need to alter your sense of time and space. Keep a handy supply of napkins together with a few felt tip pens at all times and make your peace with God.
And remember how this article started…..I said, “Firstly, there are the foreign languages to master”. Then there is ‘Secondly‘…………….
Our Off the Grid Home 
Dave, I've been following your blog for a while now, but this hilarious post has finally driven me to comment. It's all so true! And hardly any exaggeration at all.Going over old school memorabilia recently, I came across the project I did about live-aboards/houseboats as alternative lifestyle choices. And there you were.Would love to see photos on your blog.And, do you get paid for those ads on your blog? How does that work?Obviously, I have been saving up my questions.
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