Some lunatic gave me a magazine – the Special Housing Edition installment of Senior Living (Vancouver Islands 50+ Active Lifestyle Magazine).  Oh my GAWD!

First off, it seems their definition of senior is 50 and their definition of active is brunch!  There are numerous pictures of so-called seniors reading, walking, petting dogs, drinking coffee with other seniors and getting in and out of special bathtubs.  Whew! How do they keep it up? 

Then there is a picture of a blond woman in pretty good shape reading on a beach and thinking, “I wish that I’d moved in sooner!”  She is about 60 and is referring to a retirement village in Parksville that arranges her ‘activities’ and makes her meals.  The 60 year old women I know are climbing the local mountains, learning Mandarin in Shensin or working with lepers in India.  Who are these people in Parksville? 

10 pages of the magazine are dedicated to listing assisted-living residences.  Some features: ‘walker friendly’, ‘raised gardens’, ’emergency call service’ and HandyDart.  For a real exciting time, there are escorted walks, group shopping and supervised gardening.   

I have no idea why she didn’t enroll sooner.

I guess what I am saying is this: there is a modern mindset of dependence/helplessness that prevails about ‘seniors’ and that word, in itself, is a mindset.  I am 63.  I think I am just starting to sneak up on the s-word.  Not quite there but close.  Knees are there.  Lower back is there.  But the rest of me is still middle-aged.  OK, maybe my waistline is on the cusp.  But, generally speaking, I am NOT a senior.  But these Parksville-types are getting special bathtubs in their fifties!  Or, at least, special bathtubs are being marketed to 50 year olds.

Somebody must be buying them.

One thing is for sure; out here you are young if you are in your fifties – still a sex symbol (if you ever were).  50 year-olds are still wet behind the ears and not in the least because they are still flying about in boats in all kinds of weather.  60 year-olds are feeling their joints but are otherwise in the prime of their life and still learning, socializing and traveling to Mexico or Hong Kong.  The 70 year-olds are the main contingent, the backbone of the community.  They have the power.  They have the wisdom.  And they still have the ability to exercise it.  The 80 year olds are the ones whose health we inquire about but they still get in their own wood, do their own shopping and kill their own bears and skin ém.  Even the 90 years olds are a feisty old bunch.

You don’t get old as fast out here, I guess.     

Put shelves in the closet today.  Sal’s happy.  She likes it when things are neat and organized.  A tidy closet makes her very happy.  Right now she is making us a great spaghetti dinner, drinking wine and listening to the CBC.  With a smile on her face.  All because the mop and broom are hanging on hooks, the bottles are on shelves and the cans are lined up regimentally.   

She thinks it all so very civilized.

It’s freezing but our water is still running.  That means showers.  Ever since Sal and I lived on boats, we have had an exaggerated appreciation for the basic shower.  We seem to be able to go with the flow, handle what comes up and roll with most of the punches, but afterwards, we increasingly need a shower. 

I think this shower-need is the first of the ‘old geezer’ items we simply now must have.  You know how people get as they get older and more set in their ways –  what was a pleasure is now a requirement.   “Oh, I just can’t start my morning without a cup of coffee.  Not even breathing is easy without my coffee.”  Or, “Don’t expect me to go out there.  I’d catch my death”.  Or “I couldn’t possibly walk that far; call a cab!” 

The ‘softy’ list grows longer with the teeth. 

We didn’t used to say those kinds of things.  Not Sal, anyway.  She is simply too tough and had an English mother with the archetypal stiff upper lip as a role model.  Me? well, mostly I suppressed it for the sake of trying to appear as macho as Sal (or her mother).  Eventually, of course, I just let my inner whinger out but I did it quietly and rather later in life.  Then, as the mewling increased to embarrassing levels, I moved to the woods. 

The implication of their (my) declarations of weakness, of course, is that these people are helpless (or hopeless) without Jamaican coffee, high-thread-count cotton sheets or warm-room comfort to within one degree of their preference. Self-limitation, it seems, is being used as a statement of taste rather than what it is: self-limitation.  And the older we get, the more refined our taste until we can’t seem to do anything.

Sadly, it is a club I now belong to.  

Sal and I used to shake our heads at these self-imposed personal ‘requirements’ for life.  Six billion people around the world don’t ‘need their special pillow’ or ‘stop walking without their Rockports’.  They carry on in the old, well, ‘carry on’ tradition.  And so did we.

But then the need for showers started to creep in.  Then wine and/or martinis around dinner.  Dinner could still be a ten-peso tortilla with fish paste but we simply had to have the cerveza-with-lime-wedge at the very least.  Rot began to set in.

I’m afraid it is embedded in me.  

Now we are cream-puffs and I have the silhouette to prove it.  We simply must have our showers, don’t you know?  And Sal her chocolate, me, my scotch.  Internet has crept in to the picture, too, damn it!  I’ve even traveled with my special pillow.  It is probably just a matter of time before we start drinking bottled water and buying organic Brie.

And really, just what kind of a meal would it be without sorbet between courses and finger bowls after?

Mind you, I now dress like a homeless person so maybe it all balances out in the end. 

Not much happening today.  Took a nap.  Good way to start the year.  And, in keeping with that theme,……….

It has been not-so-subtly pointed out to me that there is a kind of irony in marketing off-the-grid living.  You know; like being a hermit with a busy calendar, or a vegan butcher – not impossible but awkward in the concept.

In some kind of weird way, this dissonance is a metaphor for my life.  The only circumstance I can think of where my nature and abilities coincided with my interests was my singular lack of interest in playing basketball or being an actor (tho, to be fair, I was a model for a short period of time.  I was a ‘spokes-model’ for Old Style beer in the 70’s.  It was a very short exposure to fame).  In both those other careers nature took it’s separate course and I was OK with it.       

And so I agree with the point raised.  Marketing off-the-grid living by way of consulting to urban wannabes is not a ‘make-it-up-in-the-volume’ kind of business.  Not for me, anyway.  I am thinking a single client a year would be considered a lot.  Maybe one a decade. Anything more would resemble very hard work.

It would also be full-time because, face it, if you don’t know know enough to say, pick the right property, you are certainly going to come up short in everything else.  That kind of rube would need a lot of hand-holding.  We know this.  We learned it by holding a lot of hands.

Fortunately for us, we were right some of the time, assisted by wise people much of the time and lucky in the extreme all of the rest of the time.  In other words, maybe I am not well-suited to being a Dan’l Boone-type consultant.  I don’t really know very much, I still recoil at getting my hands dirty and I hate bugs. 

I think I was just lucky.
  
So, the question is: to be a consultant to urban escapees or not to be?

I think I’ll put a stop-work order on the advertising campaign for now.   

Weather is gorgeous – as sunny as Mexico but without the corpses.  Not going South for the winter is a lot easier when it is this lovely outside and that dangerous south of the US border.  This is good.  Fewer bullets to deal with when shopping for bread and milk, you know?

Sal and I may spend the day (January 1, 2011) log salvaging.  The tides have been high and there is a lot of wood floating around out there.  Some of it pretty good.  We can start our ‘next year’s firewood haul’ early if we go snag a few now.  Nothing like a polar bear boat ride log salvaging to ring in the New Year.

I may have bought an engine.  Yamaha 50.  Comes with a boat similar to the one I have.  So, the fleet may grow.  This is NOT good.  Boats tend to gather like vehicles on a reservation.  In clumps.  It is not so much that the boat is no good or that the owner wants a heap o’ boats in the yard, it is rather more like they just get blown in like plastic bags to a fence in Arizona.  It just happens.  Resistance is futile.

As it stands right now, we have a dozen boats sprinkled around the immediate area.  I have a sailing dinghy with a small hole in it that I keep meaning to fix.  We have the inflatable with a few small holes in it that we are not likely to ever get around to fixing as they are ‘slow-leakers’ and we can still use it in a pinch.  We have Sal’s boat, my boat and now, the new boat.  That makes 5 not counting three kayaks.

Could use an engine or two, tho.  

John has another batch.  His big one, his two aluminum ones, three kayaks and usually one stuck on a beach somewhere that he salvaged until a high tide floats it away again.  That’s a minimum of a dozen here at Sheer Heaven.

Go to anyone’s place on the coast and you’ll see their áu current bateau, it’s immediate predecessor half-filled with rain and no engine, an upturned earlier one on the beach, another one half-buried in the forest and maybe a few more here and there.  It is like some kind of weird, unconscious habit we all have.

“Hey, a friend of mine wants to get rid of a nice little runabout cheap.  Maybe free.  You want it?”     

“Gawd No!  A thousand times ‘no’.  I got boats up the yin yang.  Nope.  Can’t use it.  Don’t want it.  Don’t ask!………………………………………………..but, ah………………what kind of boat is it?”

And that is how it happens. 

December 31, 2010.  House is fine.  We are warm and toasty.  Water is still flowing though it is -3.  Takes a bit lower than 32F/0C to freeze water in a pipe and we are on the ‘edge’ of freezing so I drain the system every night.  Sky is clear.  Stars are gorgeous!

Today is the community ‘gift exchange’ but I am not attending.  Sal may bop in for a bit (the Suzi is like ‘money in the pocket’ to her – it is burning a hole).  She needs to ‘fly’.

Too much socializing for me already.  We’ve been ‘peopling’ since mid-December and, nice as they are, people can get a bit ‘much’ after awhile.  I need a break.  Sal and I have a bottle of bubbly and a few good movies and I think we will ‘ring in the New Year around 9:00 pm.  We like to get a jump on these things.  Probably ‘shut ér down’ around 9:15.  No sense gettin’ all crazy.   

The RCMP left yesterday.  Constables M and V often stay at our neighbour’s over the holidays and this year was no exception.  So we had an evening with them.  Always good.

Then a luncheon the next day 10 miles up the coast on Rendezvous Island.  Sal flew over the light chop in the little whaler up in the direction of Bute Inlet with me and the dogs.  The water is like ice.  So is the air temperature.  We are one-step-further out there when you get to Calm Channel (which is rarely calm).  It feels like an adventure.

The Suzi done good.  

Our distant-neighbour, J, had Sal, me, R&L over for an afternoon and we ate and talked and hiked all over the outer island.  They all like that hiking stuff.  I’m a smidge ambivalent, preferring the woodstove and cookies to exertion of any kind but one has to put on a show, I suppose, for the locals.  So, we hiked.  As usual, it was uphill both ways. 

We hiked over to another neighbour who is building.  They are constructing a very lovely 1500-foot cabin with big timbers, all the mod-cons, a beautiful verandah and an even more staggering view.  It is really beautiful.

It is also costing about $600 per sq ft.  $1M is not far off the estimate and, when all the roadwork, additional buildings and what-have-you are all done, well, the cost will be off-the-chart.  Living off-the-grid is like that.  Everything is ‘off-the-something’.

I still recommend this life highly but I am starting to see that an off-the-grid consultant could save their fees by a huge margin just by advising clients how to go about doing something like this.  Almost all of us learn the hard way – simply by doing it.  In this case, the people expected their place to come in around $300 a square (unrealistic for any construction out here, really, and exceptionally so for ‘quality’ work and all the mod-cons).  But a bit of better planning and a bit better of a construction plan, delivery system, etc. and they may have shaved $100,000 off the total.  Maybe a smidge more.  Hard to say.

But one thing is clear – a good architect is worth his weight out here.  Such a professional ‘knows’ local, off-grid stuff and that, as much as the design itself, is what makes a project work.  Add a good contractor – not just skill – with a ‘remote builder’s attitude and such a combination would make the project where failing to have such a team would end in frustration at the least, disappointment most likely and cost over-runs every time.

I prefer to do things myself (if I do anything at all) but the further you get from the range of the yellow pages, the more reliant you are on others out here.  And there are some good ones (worth their weight in gold) and there are some bad ones (not worth their weight in poo).  Building out here is a big undertaking and not one you fully appreciate until you have done it.  So…………be careful if you are planning something like this.

Boy!  Have you guys been out of it or what?  All sorts of news to report! 

Firstly, there’s the ‘story’ of Sal’s outboard motor: As you know, I need a new motor so I’ve been looking.  ‘Course, when you look, you sometimes see other things.  And I saw a small 15hp Suzuki motor on Craigslist that was on the way to my brother’s Boxing Day dinner.  Sal’s current motor is a 1980’s 9.9hp longshaft on an 11 foot Whaler.  Which means that she is adequately powered but with too much ‘shaft’ in the water which slows her down (and makes the lower-hung engine more vulnerable to debris).  Plus it is old.  Plus it is a two-stroke.  So, on a whim, we went to see the Suzi. 

Aannnnndddd……………we bought it! “Merry Christmas, Sal.  Surprise!”  She was stunned. 

Anyway, we get home over the next few days and the next day I stay back at the house getting the systems up and running while Sal goes over in her boat to start unloading the 700 or so pounds of luggage and food to bring over.  She does it all in one trip except for her new motor which she leaves in the truck. 

And she then heads out.  Then I get a call on the walki-talkie; “Something went clunk and when I looked over the side, I saw half the engine hanging loose in the water.”  I took John’s boat (mine is on the hard and dry without an engine) and went to get her.  She had hit a deadhead and tore her motor in half.  So we went back to the truck and swapped engines.  She buzzed home all nonchalant-like with her new Suzi doing the work. 

Moral of the story: timing is everything.

Second moral: try not to be reduced to one old motor when it is -5 outside and you are working on the water.

Third moral: God watches out for the fools.  And we give thanks for that.   

I tend to write mostly in what I consider to be a ‘witty’ style or, alternatively and more frequently, in the ‘reporting’, informational style.  You know: ‘we did this and we did that‘ kinda thing.

Reporting facts is kind of a drag but that was the blog exercise purpose when I started, keeping a journal of sorts.  So I do that.  Witty is, of course, in the ear of the beholder and I may fall somewhat short in that department now and again.  Sorry.  But I figure if Sal laughs, I achieved an acceptable level.  She’s my editor.  If she is pleased, I am pleased.  

I tend to let my political self out of the bag at times but politics and preaching and philosophizing are the 3 silent ‘P’s’ in boredom so I try to keep it to a minimum. Plus I don’t really know what the hell I am talking about most of the time so it is getting easier to cut back on the rants.  I’m even quieter in person these past few years but my reputation defies the facts on that score and I am still being accused of dominating conversations I have not even participated in. 

On a relevant tangent: I am appalled at my reputation as presented by my kids.  Whenever my son, B, introduces me to a young female friend of his, he first warns them about me.  “Be careful around my dad.  I am not responsible for him.  I am not even sure he’s my biological dad!  He’s crazy.  He may ask you your bra size or what sexual proclivities you have.  He’s not above asking about bowel regularity.  Or politics.  He’ll ask about your relationships, what you think, what you believe in and how attracted to him are you?  There are no good answers to that, by the way.  Just smile and try to leave the room.  Whatever you do, don’t answer any questions.  None!  It just encourages him!” 

I honestly do not think I warrant that kind of ‘safety’ warning.  OK, maybe a small ‘heads up’ kinda thing but, really, I am not a bad person.  I am basically a nice guy.  And, anyway, isn’t it time that bowel health came out of the closet?    

Family dinner.  S’s side.  Very nice.  These Xmas dinners are very nostalgic, really.  Each one is like the last one only the kids are growing and the uncles are growing fat.  Same egg-nog, same dressing, same desserts.

Much the same conversation, too, only that the ‘kids’ play larger roles and talk about things that the older people either can’t hear or don’t understand.  Doesn’t seem to matter.  The smiling and laughter levels are the same.

One uncle is a sheet metal worker and quite talented at it.  He gives me sheet metal tubes for Xmas.  To most people, this would seem odd but, when one is living on an island, sheet metal tubes are pretty handy.  I like T’s Xmas presents.   The last one was a six inch tube that ‘morphs’ into three lesser tubes.  Hard to beat that!

The whole bunch shows up again the next day for brunch!  Two houses.  Two huge meals.  Same conversations.  And we get to do it all again next year!  It may seem as if I am really a smidge blasé about this ritual but, with my growing existential angst syndrome, I realize that I need it.  It is reassuring.  Like having a hard copy in the files.  If I wasn’t so sure that I existed last night, I will be made to feel as if I might by the end of brunch today.  By the end of the fourth leg of the Turkey trot series held tomorrow night at my brothers, I will be sure of my existence.

I think.

Had dinner with an old friend of 35 years.  But, he and his wife, it seems, have to remain anonymous.  No one can know the facts of the case.  It’s a blog rule. 

This blog protocol requirement, however, is having the unintended effect of making me doubt the incident altogether!  I have an existential issue at the best of times (’cause no one writes!) and dropping the ‘facts’ from my (alleged) experiences is aggravating it.  Did I really have dinner with Friend 35?

If I did, it was very nice.  F35 and W35 (Mark ll) are wonderful people and we are very, very fond of them.  Not so much, however, their neighbours, N1 and N2.  Actually, N1 was a nice guy but N2 bugged the hell out of me.  “Ooh, we were at our cabin once and the power went off.  Well, how can one have coffee, then?  We had to leave.  I told N1 right then, ‘we have to leave on the very next ferry.  This is too hard!’.  Hee hee hee.”   I mumbled under my breath, “Sal can take you with one hand tied behind her back and blindfolded.  She’d mop the floor with you!”

But I didn’t share that message with anyone.  It seemed kind of infantile.  Not totally infantile.  Just a bit. 

But, maybe it never happened, eh?

It is, apparently, bad internet manners to mention real names in real places at real times since there are ‘machines and people out there’ that can and do use that kind of information to identify and target you for identity theft and data exploitation.  B told me so in no uncertain terms.  At least I think he did.  I’m not certain.  I could cell-phone B and check but it seems that there are also men and machines out there who monitor cell phones so, for them, my confirming of any facts is just doing their work for them.

I might change his name to A because I still love him and don’t want to take any chances. 

I’ll just have to leave the incident as probable but unprovable.

I thought that I could confirm my existence with some photographs but it was pointed out that, with the use of Photoshop’, I can be placed anywhere in any picture and at any time.  So, that’s out as a source of evidence but it has suggested a few new fantasies. 

We live in interesting times. The only thing that is clear to me is: any lies can be proven but the truth cannot.  Is it any wonder I have a growing sense of existential angst?

In the meantime, Merry Xmas (so that is where the X comes from – hiding JC’s identity)