It dawned on me, after a heavy bout of lumber lifting, that a small crane would be a good implement to employ in the building of my cabin. So, I got one. Had it made to my own design. Sucker weighs a ton. I need a crane to lift it.
And so it goes. Every new challenge is met with an answer that is, in itself, another new challenge. Like the funicular I intend to build.
I need a small rail system to get heavy things from the crane at the dock to the top of the hill. A funicular will do that very well. A funicular is a mini-railway that is sort of like an outdoor dumbwaiter. A role I am currently filling as I am so obviously well suited. It will carry materials where knees and backs will not. Challenge: the bloody funicular needs a funicular to get it up the hill.
There is more to these challenges than just designs and machinery for weight bearing and carrying. If only it were just weight. I have already mastered the technique of carrying around excess weight. Weight, I am good at. No, it’s more than that. It’s also winches and pulleys and cables and, the hardest of all, communicating with those who know nothing about them. When I go into a hardware store and say to the MBA degree-holding store clerk, “I am building a crane to put on my deck to help me lift items from the boat……”. I am met with a, “huh?” and a blank face.
“Crane”, I say, repeating myself while slowly assuming a Karate Kid-like position to help illustrate the concept. “Crane. Like you see on docks. You know, to lift things?” His expression remains flat, maybe a bit confused, “Uh, we don’t sell cranes. You maybe wanna try Canadian Tire………”
“No, I say. I don’t ‘maybe wanna’ buy a crane, I ‘maybe wanna’ buy some parts for a crane. I have already built the crane, you see, and it needs a few parts to finish it.”
“Uh, we don’t sell crane parts…….maybe a plumbing shop can help?” He tries to leave. I clutch at his sleeve, “Do you sell cable? Do you sell pulleys? Do you sell winches?”
He looks at me even more blankly. I am witness to a world record being set in blankness. Granite has more understanding. I realize then that I was assuming too much. The store is the size of a football stadium and claims to have everything for home renovation, building, construction and astrophysics but all I see are barbecues, light bulbs, lawn chairs and a special on drinking glasses. They have a lot of chandeliers, too, and a big sale on Dolomite and lawn elves. But cables and winches are simply beyond his conceptual grasp and the chief buyer is a marketing expert living in Manhattan.
Whoa! A light flickers dimly, Mr. Homer Depo briefly comes to life: “Yes, we have cables in the laundry department, pulleys in the drapes and window covering department and winches in a bin on special outside near the potted plants.” I am not encouraged.
As we are pursuing this, a small angry woman interrupts and demands to know where the popcorn is. “Flavoured or plain?” he asks, looking confident and splendid as he stands up straight in his uniform. Homer is back in the familiar. The snack food department is about to make another sale.
I leave. Hardware stores aren’t what they used to be. They are more like Drugstores now and Drugstores, of course, haven’t been like what they used to be for decades. Soon, I suppose, I’ll be able to buy a Cuisineart and ‘tub-o-nuts’ from the 800,000 square foot Super Muffler Store or lawn furniture and a pallet load of batteries from World of Diapers, the biggest indoor store in the Galaxy. Coming soon.
But then again, I am not the same as I used to be either. I figured to be able to erect the crane with two other guys simply by lifting it up into place. And so, we tried that. It was halfway up when one partner observed that there was more weight above our head than below it. If we were 7’ tall we may have been able to reach the half-way balance point. But we’re short. And it’s tall. He ventured that the top may continue moving past the perpendicular and our efforts would be insufficient to keep this monster on the deck. So, we gently put it back down. It lay there impotent, unable to perform. I hate it when such metaphors present themselves.
There’s a huge mystery at work here……as I travel by a variety of cabins and houses on my way to my building site, I see fully completed chalets and such with simple fieldstone steps and pretty landscaping. How the hell did that happen? Where is the crane? Where is the mini-railway system? Where are the gravesites of the slaves? How did they get those beams up there? Does everybody buy a completed house from Sears and have it flown in by helicopter? Is this the reason the beautiful BC coast is still relatively uninhabited?
But back to the crane….I got it up. I just needed more help. God I hate metaphors.
Our Off the Grid Home 
Where do the contractors go? Not to big box stores they don't.
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