I occasionally write to BIG cheeses.  Not big, rich, celebrity cheeses but rather to literary-type fromage.  The ones who make me think.  And sometimes they write back.

Years ago John Robbins wrote a book called Diet for a New America.  That really changed my way of thinking about the medical profession and the way I was eating.  After the book, I went vegetarian.  Five months.  Octo-lacto, dipso-facto, pure-wool vegan.  I did it mostly because at the time I weighed 207 pounds and I thought I was beginning to lose my sex appeal.  I no longer saw a shorter version of Tom Sellek in the mirror.  I was seeing a taller version of Danny deVito instead.  Not good.

I was really disciplined about it, too.  Despite being three times the size of anyone else in the vegan restaurant lineup, I kept to the regime.  I did so until I ended up in the hospital.

Went to Emergency.  I had chest pains.  “Oh great!  Here I go.  Just as I was getting all healthy and all, my family’s old genetic destiny is grabbing hold and I am going to croak!”  

Turned out I was having a gall bladder attack.

The young, tall, dark and healthy-looking doctor looked at me.  “You didn’t do something stupid, did ya, like going vegan or something?”

“Umh………yeah.  Kinda……you know?  Gettin’ into being healthy and all…..?”

“Ya can’t do that, man.  You crazy?  You gotta get into that madness gradual-like.  If you do it at all.  Crazy, if you ask me.  Packs up your gallbladder just like that!”  And he snapped his fingers to illustrate the point dramatically.  Sounded like he was shooting his horse.  “We’ll prep you and take that puppy out.  Better tell your spouse you are going in for surgery!”

“Whoa, there big fella.  I’m keeping my gall bladder.  Don’t even think about going for it!  John Robbins warned me about you guys.  He said, ‘Modern medicine operates on the premise that you have too many organs or too few drugs in your system’.  I am keeping the gall bladder but we can discuss the drugs part.  This thing is really killing me.”

He looked at me as if I had just insulted his profession.  If you can imagine that!?  “If you think it hurts now, just wait for a few hours when you go to pass the stone.  They say it is more painful than childbirth!  Think about that!”

“Never mind that, man.  I am keeping it.  I’ll go home and pass the stone in the comfort of my own bed, you sadistic organ-snatcher, you!”

Three hours later when I was back at home I thought a Zulu warrior had pierced my chest with his largest spear and was twisting it.

“Sal!  Call the ambulance.  Gotta go back to the hospital.  He was right.  John was wrong!  I am dying.  This is unbearable………….aaaargggh…………..never mind.  By the time they get here, I’ll be dead.  Say goodbye to the kids.  I love you all………….araarrghh……….”   and then I passed out.  I came to a few hours later and I was fine except that my arm was really hurting because I conked out and got the limb all bent up underneath me.  A few hours later, that ‘kink’ worked out.  I was good to go.

And I had my gall bladder.  No drugs.  I was victorious and went back to the doctor to report in.  Feeling a bit smug, I must admit.  OK, stupid and smug at the same time.  While waiting, I got on the scale.  I was 207 pounds.  FIVE months of lentils and beans and a night of excruciating pain and I hadn’t dropped but the ounce the stone may have weighed! 

The lunacy of it all prompted me to go for a cheeseburger.

I have been feeling better ever since.

I wrote to John Robbins to thank him for his book.  I credit him with almost packing up my gall bladder but also in having the proper reparté when dealing with the doctor.  He got points for me keeping the organ even if his diet was partially responsible for the said organ to malfunction. It’s complicated.

He wrote back.  We exchanged e-mails.  I like him.  He’s good.  Just remember the lesson: moderation in all things.

This blog segues (tomorrows blog) into an exchange with Paul Hawken, co-author of another book that altered my life, Natural Capitalism.  He is speaking in Vancouver tonight.  I wish I was there.

Yeah.  You read that right.  I really wish I was there!