I suppose I could start anywhere on the subject of logic and the lack of it, couldn’t I?   I mean; we don’t even have to go to Central America to find illogical examples when our own little frozen banana republic of BC has such a sorry history of stupid on which to dwell, right?

But I am sorry.  I am on vacation here and I gottta talk dumb from my new warmer climate perspective. No matter where I am, I still gotta be me.

I could easily start with the situating of your town at the base of three active volcanoes?  Or maybe better put: continually rebuilding said town after the aforementioned volcanoes regularly destroy it.  But that is too easy.  I mean, really……….?

No, I think I will start with rocks and how they use them down here.  I am talking about cobbles.  You know? Using sharp, irregular rocks for roadways instead of say, concrete or asphalt?  Or even paving stones?

Antigua is a World Heritage site and it should be.  The history, the setting, the architecture……………it is all bloody marvelous.  Bit too much of an emphasis on the word, bloody, actually, but still marvelous.  Really.  But part of the heritage designation must have included requiring the cobblestone streets to remain authentic and, as charming as they are to look at, they are crazy-making.

First day you think: charming.  Second day: not so charming but still characterful.  Third day: these things have to go!  After that, you just wonder ‘why?’  Why not just drive on a bed of nails while being beaten with a two-by-four.  Same thing.

The truly crazy thing is this: the natural speed-restricting nature of rough-hewn cobblestones laid at various angles and depths along an uneven roadway are occasionally augmented by speed bumps.  Think about that.

Restoration One Rock at a Time

They are ‘charmingly’ labelled ‘tumulos’ here (‘topes’ in Mexico), but a rose by any other name…….still has thorns!

Point: it is impossible to drive more than ten miles an hour without dismantling your vehicle by cobble-induced vibrations and then they add speed bumps!

‘Course they have random police road-checks all over the place, too, so it would be hard to get up much of a head of steam even if the roads were smooth and there was no traffic.

There are a lot of ways to die in Guatemala but speed will never be a contributing factor, at least not anywhere near downtown Antigua.

Of course, there is no logical reason for most road-checks or speed bumps in Latin America but in and around Antigua the arbitrary, willy-nilly sprinkling of speed bumps wherever some loon had some extra bricks and concrete at his disposal is completely maddening.

On the exit off the highway to some little village just north of town there are two that we encountered the other day.  You race along the stretch of highway at 50 mph or so and take the ChichideJesusmadremiamariachitango exit only to discover two speed bumps within the exit lane each capable of sending you and your passengers into a shallow orbit.

There is a front end mechanic just down the road a few yards.  Surprise.

Now don’t get me wrong.  I love a nice climate.  I really like the Mayan people (outside of political rallies) and I am fascinated by the history and the geography of the area.  Hell, I even like the food!  But, c’mon!  Stupid is stupid and speed bumps in Antigua are dumber than the rocks they use to make ’em.

Personally, I’d make another application to see if I couldn’t get Antigua re-designated a world heritage site without the cobbles!