….slipped on the shoulder gravel and fell down out of sight. I heard two shots. And then I saw her again through the side window. She was standing up straight and calmly pumping more slugs into the windshield of the truck that had just rammed us. Elapsed time: three seconds and she was back in the car”.
I stomped the accelerator and the old Pathfinder leaped. “What happened?”
“I slipped getting out but it was okay. I fell on my stomach but then had a clear shot at their tires. Hit them both. When I jumped up, I saw the two guys sitting there. One had a rifle. I thought a few shots into the cab might give us more time to get away.”
“It made my day.”
And so goes a scene in the cheap B-flick kind of novel we are writing. Of course the book careens from one Bruce Willis-like incident to the next Arnie-style fracas but the twist is that it’s two old people. He’s 70 and she’s a close second. But she has yoga. It’s a buddy movie.
Sal won’t let me write in a sex scene.
“I could easily get you naked. We’re running from some cops. Fall in some water. Get somewhere and have to strip down naked to get dry? Piece of cake.”
“No. No, no no!”
“OK, I stop at bra and panties. I can make that work.”
“Say ‘bra and panties’ one more time and I am not writing anymore. I swear.”
“Okay. We surprise a woman by breaking into her house to get dry and she’s in bra and panties. I could make her Asian or something for added interest?”
“That’s it! We’re done here. I quit. No more editorial work for you, pig-face!”
“Pig-face? Isn’t that a bit harsh for your co-author?”
“Look. No sex. No nudity, okay? Just stop with the bra and panties crap.”
“Okay, fine. We just kill and wound people. Maybe blow up some cars. Steal stuff. That kind of thing. But no sex. No sex because why? Because we’re British?”
“Exactly! I was born in England and we don’t talk about sex. Too rude. But murder is perfectly fine. We love talking about murder, don’t you know? And the weather. We’ll talk about weather. Make that work!”
“Cheap B action movies always have scantily clad women. It’s de rigeur like a Klingon is to Star Trek.”
“Fine. You can have a scantily clad Klingon. Happy now?”
“Hmmmm…not bad. The story needed a twist. Let me think about that…..”