A Costco run

“Hi.  I am coming down-island to do a shop…I thought I’d call ahead to see if you are busy?”

“Like it’s Xmas!  It’s crazy!”

Friend J and I decide to go anyway.  If this virus thing gets anymore crazy, then no one is going anywhere.  We feel we have to shop while we still can.  So, off we go…around noon on Thursday.  We stop at the organic butcher on our way down.  “Hey, that virus thing, eh?  Heard Vancouver Island got their first case this morning. You guys affected?  Like a run on porkchops or something.”  “Nah.  But the news is wrong.  Little 10 year old exchange student from Japan just came down with it.  He was in a local class all last week.  They say the whole class is being tested!”

I drove to within a few blocks of Costco.  Traffic was jammed.  No one going anywhere.  Pulled a few (illegal) driving tricks and managed to get into the parking lot (if you have a 4×4, you should use it, right?) but, of course, it was jammed.  Found a spot and in we went.  J headed right, I went left.  “Say half an hour – give or take?  Meet you at the hot dog stand?”

I kicked it up a few rpms and began my quest for a few family-packs of holy grails.  I do not ‘push’ my cart when I am at Costco, I drive my cart!  Further, when I kick it up few rpms, I am the fastest set of wheels in the store, bar none.  I weave, I swerve, I charge at a blocked aisle like Bull elephant in heat.  People MOVE!  The timid cling to the sides, the stupid get ‘taken out’ (carts sent careening).  And I do $500.00 worth of shopping in under twenty minutes.

After the final addition to the cart, I put ‘er in overdrive and head pell mell for the incredibly long cashier line ups that I saw earlier.  My now heavily laden cart on two wheels and screeching around the last turn, I find a minor miracle.  There is a welcoming cashier.  Empty.  Two staff coming to get my cart.  Smiling.  They, too, are in a self-imposed contest to be the fastest checker-outers and they must be leading the pack.  I am out of there three minutes later.

But I do not have toilet paper.  Nor Phyllo pastry either.  And no, they are not interchangeable.

J and I fill the car, head out and go home.  We are greeted by our wives like savage hunters carrying a Wilde beast-on-a-stick would be greeted by the village.  They are pawing and gawking at the heaps of supplies. “Toilet Paper?”

I hang my head.  Mumble something about bidets, the French, rags, finger bowls and Arabs….“WHAT did you say!?”

“Nothing, dear.  I’ll find some TP.  Don’t worry.”

It is Friday the 13th.  Only an idiot would add to the currently high virus risk by going out on F-13.  Still, when you think about it, if there is any TP out there in the urban jungle, this may be our last chance.

5 thoughts on “A Costco run

  1. THAT is hilarious David! I swear this is TRUE. A friend called me this morn and said “Man, its NUTz out here!”. Packed stores, line ups to get in the liquor stores! So of course I went out. We are in the GTA so we ventured north and EVERYWhere we went, NO TP. And no staples! Are we at DEFCON 4 already? Did I miss something??? Cancelled hockey games, Raptor games, concerts etc. Crazy. I did NOT even give Costco a try, though did five it a think.
    Crazy people, emptying the shelves of TP, everywhere, selling TP on Kijiji at vast markups but the shelves are FULL of Kleenex! Madness.
    And I even thought about what you’d have to say. Glad to see I mirrored your story, except the end. The wife was not too critical and will try to find some as well on her way home.🤞🤞🤞
    Take good care D, and the Best to S.Sal. David.

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  2. Would it be an indignity to just use water?

    On my first trip many years ago to SE Asia, with a girlfriend from there, she commented one day: Most white people don’t wash their butts, they just use tissue…it’s disgusting honey”. I became an instant convert and glad I did. Have not used that vile stuff since. Waste of money, trees, etc. and pollutes our lakes and oceans I am sure. And living off grid, who wants to haul bulky tp all the way from town?

    In the article linked below it is reported that Americans use 34 million rolls of toilet paper A DAY!. That’s disgusting honey.
    https://www.businessinsider.com/bidets-better-than-using-just-toilet-paper-2019-9

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  3. Would it be an indignity for a grown man to just use water?

    Many years ago, I was in SE Asia with a girlfriend from there. One day she commented thus: “Most white people don’t wash after using the toilet; they just use tissue…it’s disgusting honey!” Made me an instant convert. I have not used that vile stuff since. Saved money, trees, hauling the bulky stuff from town.

    The article linked below comments that Americans use 34 million rolls of toilet paper A DAY! How crazy is that? It’s disgusting honey! And where, pray tell, does all of that end up? In lakes, oceans and waterways no doubt. Yuck.

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