Sally and me

We’ve been together for over fifty years as of the end of February. It has been great for me. I would sign up for another fifty in a heartbeat. Sal said she’s mulling it over, considering her options…….

I can think of no one possibly being a better partner than her but we have our quirks, our wrinkles, our differences. Well, to put it more bluntly: she’s a nut! But she is a loveable nut. And gorgeous. Plus she seems to ‘manage’ me and ‘deal’ with me in such a charming manner.

Still, we have our conflicts. Dishes is the big one (pretty much the only one). When we first came together, I said, “I do not do dishes. I have done way too many dishes in my life and the only line in the sand I bring to this relationship is that I do NOT do dishes. To be fair, I will buy new dishes every week; I will eat off dirty dishes; I will use paper plates; I will eat straight out of the pots and pans but – and let me make this perfectly clear – I do not do dishes!”

I was doing dishes within the first week. She is hard to say no to.

So, we’ve each been doing dishes for fifty years and, while she has done more of them, I have done tons more than I signed on for and I still manifest subtle jabs of resistance to this day. But, well, resistance is futile. I have been washed, rinsed and assimilated. We take turns at it virtually ‘every other day’ on dishes.

You guessed it: no machine dish washer living off the grid.

But we were NOT strictly scheduled into the every-other-day routine and some days I went three straight or she did. We couldn’t keep track. Of course, Sal, being like the Chinese water torture (somehow still charming, tho) she can be, kept trying to formalize it. “Sweetie, dishes…your turn. I did ’em last night.”

I have learned that little observation-fact-conclusion statements like that one have completely reconfigured my thinking, my life and my perspective. I am being subtly roped in, hog-tied and left at the sink so gently and with ‘love’, it is maddening. And hypnotizing. Did I mention the little touch on my arm accompanied by a heart-melting smile when she says things like that? Turns out I am made of putty – Silly putty, actually – and often found wrapped around her little fingers. Wooed into ever increasing domesticity by a charming, beautiful, psychopathic genius. I am helpless. I feel doomed.

I try to resist.

“OK, here’s the deal. I will do the dishes. Damn, damn, damn. But you still have to touch my arm and smile, OK?. No touch-and-smile is a deal-breaker. Got it?”

“Of course, Sweetie. You are so manly and cute when you put your foot down.” And she smiled and touched my arm. It was like looking Itsy-bitsy spider right in the eye. And I was being comforted by her web!

“But”, I said, thinking quickly, “I’ll do the even days. You do the odd. In that way, we can keep track. Odd-even, odd-even. OK?”

“Of course, Sweetie…deal”. I swore I heard a little cackle slip from her lips but I got the smile and the arm-touch and things kinda blur for me when that happens.

Still, I was smiling a bit. A bit too much, I guess. And the spider-woman was not amused. ‘Why would he be smilin’ like that?’

I had cheated her out of an extra week of dishes! On a leap year, it is eight days! Seven months end in 31 days (31 is an odd number) with the next day being the first of the month and it, too, is an odd number. I laughed out loud. Perhaps a bit maniacally…….

“WHAT!!!!! Why are you laughing????

I explained my Machiavellian plot. She did not take it well. Her lips became a hard line. The rosy cheeks went dark. Veins rippled in her forearms. There was a palpable volcanic presence suddenly in the room. I backed away. Slowly.

We may be great partners but we are different people. She’s sweet, beautiful, noble and full of grace. I am slugs and snails and puppy-dog tails. With slime on top. But we at least now kinda ‘share’ doin’ the dishes….ahahahahahahahahahahahahahahah

6 thoughts on “Sally and me

  1. Now THAT was funny! And a very fine rep of the battle of the sexes. Well done.
    BTW I’M stealing that idea!
    We came here, and so far, have been successful largely because My beLOVEd partner Amy, who sounds similar to your Sal, Lovely, smart, fun, Beautiful, and tough, at least for such a wee thing, makes it so. We seem to get on real well, laughing a lot and doing plenty of good work, tho some of it too hard for two … older folk. Well at least I am older. She truly does appear to be getting younger! The sea air must really be good for Her, and thankfully Her for Me. Still, I don’t care to do dishes, but she helps Me outside so I MUST reciprocate. Even days for Me it is! Thanx Dave!!! (The battle is clearly all about the little victories!😉☺😎)

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    • We bro’s of the da-da brotherhood have to stick together- especially when it comes to sexist issues like who does the dishes. It’s not that I have a strong sexist bias (well, I do like ’em a lot) it is rather that those-with-dicks have to win at least once in awhile if just to keep the women interested in still playing the game. Lose every time and they lose interest. We OWE it to them to NOT DO THE DISHES!!!

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  2. Trust me even if you two had a dishwasher issues would not vanish. What sort of issues you might ask. Without getting too far into the weeds…there are proper ways and bad ways to load a dishwasher. A lot of stuff might come as a surprise like…”Don’t you know that is hand wash only item?” Think of negotiating a S.A.L.T. Treaty.

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  3. When I was a kid still living at home we had a machine dishwasher.
    When I moved out at 18 I have never had a dishwasher since. 42 years later. Still hand washing dishes.
    Dont enjoy it but…….
    When ever I go to someone’s house that has a dishwasher I scrub my plate clean and rinse it before putting it in…..
    Never really “got” dishwashers….

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  4. I love my dishwasher. There is not a day goes by that I do not thank my lucky stars for a dishwasher. My husband and I make special mention each day when one or other of us has put the dishwasher on. We want to make sure that we are sharing this delight equally.
    I think excellent dish washing skills and recent experience should be a mandatory requirement for assessing fitness for public office.
    I do have a dig at toxic male culture from time to time, and males in general, but it is purely for poetic license.
    Sal is a wise woman and you are a slave to love, Dave. How wonderful that you still have such a wonderful partnership after so many years. I am sure that in time Sal will come around to the idea of continuing that partnership for another 50 years. 😉

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