This is my last of the Alternative Dispute Resolution series. There are more stories, of course, but it is not generating much in the way of commentary and so I will take that as a polite and subtle suggestion to move on…..
But I love this one: The government wanted to hire some more mediators. They wanted women. And so they got some. I was assigned to ‘mentor’ and train them in the ways of government mediations and so I did. They were already bona fide mediators but, well, the government has its ways of interfering in a pure mediation process and those subtleties needed learning.
I’ll call her Maggie. Nice woman. Smart. Trained as a lawyer and, perhaps a bit reliant on that, but otherwise fine. She was a personal political appointee of the Attorney General and had access whenever she wanted it. Her first case was in the Interior. Six men. Three on one side, three on the other. We entered the allotted mediation room and I suggested that we ask for a bigger room. She said this room was fine. She was in charge.
The first three guys came in on time and sat at the other side of the table. A few minutes later, the other three came in and sat facing them. All six guys were dressed almost identically. Mostly white or plain colour shirts, jeans, heavy shoes. Nobody wore glasses. Every guy was well over two hundred pounds. All were in their early to late forties. Nobody greeted one another. I sat in the corner. Observing. Maggie came in.
The room was now (with 8 of us in it) a very small boardroom. No windows. Roughly 14 x 18. Size of a large bedroom. One door only. Maggie weighed in at around 140, maybe a smidge more. Loose black dress. She was a bit on the ordinary side but not off-putting. Hair was short, dull. No jewelry. Not inclined to smile. Maggie had a lot going for her but she’d struggle as even a Walmart greeter. Her ‘grand entry’ went virtually unnoticed.
A mediator does not have to be a spokesmodel or even good looking. I was proof of that. But they had to have a sense of the room. They had to feel the dynamics at the very outset. They needed to establish a mood, a focus, a curiosity for the participants at the very least so that they would all listen. Maggie went straight to her briefcase and stayed there a bit too long.
“Goooooood morning, gentlemen. My name is Maggie Smith, I am a lawyer with the Ministry of the Attorney General. I hope you all had a nice drive in. The weather is beautiful today and very sunny. I love that about the Interior, don’t you?”
The room immediately felt even more claustrophobic. That effort at establishing any kind of mood or relatable vibe fell totally flat. It was awkward.
Because of that, Maggie immediately got tense. You could tell by her posture, and her eyes but mostly because of what she next said and how she said it. Her voice had gone up a pitch. Maybe two. And it was just a little hesitant. The scowls on the men’s faces didn’t help. They had yet to even acknowledge her presence.
“How can I help you?”
That was a huge mistake. It was an invitation for everyone to talk and it did not give any structure or direction to the moment which was clearly what was needed. The guys started in at each other.
Maggie tried to get control back but their voices drowned hers out and what voice she had was fading and breaking into fragments. She even backed somewhat away from the head of the table. The guys took that to mean, they should just argue. Their voices grew in number and in volume.
When one of them stood up and leaned across the table with his hands on the table (HUGE SILVERBACK GORILLA MESSAGE) Maggie had practically climbed back into her briefcase (colourful hyperbole but it seemed that way to me).
I jumped up and spoke with as loud and deep a voice as I could.
“Guys! Guys! This is great. This is really great. You guys are great. Fabulous. I love it! I grew up on the eastside and I know that sometimes what is needed is manno y manno. Big men. Real men. A little punch-up. Done! We can sort this out easier than I thought. Here’s what we’re gonna do. Each side picks a champion. We all go down to the parking lot. First champion to fall down, the other side wins. I’ll write it up. Should be real quick. No problem. I know, I know, duking it out is a bit silly but, damn, it’s effective. You know that. You guys onside? C’mon……..
.”…….or, well, I guess we could go back to Plan B. Plan B has you sitting back down. Talking as calmly as you can. You know….Maggie will lead the conversation…you know, like a mediation kinda thing?……Plan B.
“Or ….good ol’ Plan A? It’s an option. Seriously. Both ways work. What’s it gonna be?”
The six guys just froze…thinking about what they just heard….from a government flunky, no less. Then the Silverback laughed out loud, “You’re right. Ha, ha. We’ll go with Plan B.” And, with that, he sat down. With that, he defused the other five guys. With that, he handed the conversation back to Maggie.
The point: the room makes a difference. The room should always be big and have some walking space. There must be windows. People have to be made to feel NOT trapped even if they do not feel that way when they sit down. At some point, they will feel the tightness. They have to be able to breathe. They need the room.
Picking the right mediator makes a difference. Maggie had been assigned the wrong case for her. She did not have the presence. She did not project any control or strength. And, instead of having a chance at gaining some confidence, she threw the floor open to bull moose in rut. After two utterances, she had no chance.
Polite pleasantries with people in conflict do not go over well at the best of times. This was not the best of times and hers were the worst of polite pleasantries. Maggie had no sense of the people in the room. She needed to have taken the time to ‘read the room’.
The point: a mediation or even a negotiation has a lot of invisible influences going on. Discussions should always take place at a neutral location that is very open, airy and pleasant. The mediator has to keep the parties safe and 95% of that is having them feel safe.
The mediator has to take charge from the get-go. Not like an authoritarian but like a human being in the moment. That shows respect, honesty.
They have to release that control first chance they can and be able to take it back if the conversation goes off track (and they all go off-track). Mediation is a balance of giving the floor to disputants and taking it back when they fall back into dispute language. So long as the conversation is constructive, they have the floor and the mediator makes notes. If even a voice rises or a negative word is uttered, the mediator has to smoothly, naturally and in the basic style of the disputants take control back.
Like I said, Mediation is more of an art or skill-set. Arbitration is more about knowledge, facts and fairness.
Our Off the Grid Home 
Interesting how one person can not see their reality that can be made workable. Loved reading this post Dave. I do hope you can write a few more real mediation memories from your life.
Dogs and birds too, photos from your life off the grid.
Joy
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Great stories Dave.
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Hi David.
This is Gabe.
In spite of the little feedback you nay have received, I think we all enjoyed the series. I certainly did. Every case has several stories because it’s really about human relationships.
I too did arbitrations/mediations, you may recall. Very enjoyable and frustrating, but all were interesting.
I read every blog you write and love them.
Hope to run into you one day, somewhere. Enjoy you OTG life.
Gabe Varga
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Thank you, GV. Much appreciated. I, too, would like to meet. Glad you liked them. I am sure you could relate.
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How can it be that you are not receiving TONS of comments. Maybe it is a government plot to silence you! I read each one with interest, to the point of ignoring what H is saying….
We may need some mediation on Internet usage in the future.
Keep them coming, (with a good Canadian) please.
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Wow! Ignore H at your peril!
The problem with case story-telling, as Gabe pointed out, is that the back story is really, really rich in the characters but a blog has to be a quick read. So the characters don’t get fleshed out at all (well, I gave the Jessica Rabbit client a bit of skin, I suppose). It all triggers memories for me but must be a bit shallow for the reader. Plus, I have never really done it before because, well, it is all about me, me, me winning in the end. Bit sickening. One can only self-promote so much, ya know?
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Hey Dave
I learned something. Room size counts. It explains a debriefing I attended with too many people in a windowless room. High tension situation. Don’t think I’ll ever be in that kind of situation again but one never knows.
Thx
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Thank you, SS. Appreciated. There is even MORE to the room than just size but, of course, not every room available is gonna be ideal. Most times you gotta work with what you got. General rule-of-thumb: windows, extra seats and room three times bigger than you might think.
The human animal is human first but gets more animal as the stresses increase.
Nice to see you here.
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You may not have received a lot of comments but I, for one, have enjoyed these stories.
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Thanks, Gerry. Maybe I just cycle those stories in now and then…? Throw in some Eastside street fights, travel adventures, squirels, whales, dogs and Sally quirks…?
Glad to see you.
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You see JD, you have more followers and readers than the Magnificent Seven! Some might not comment and remain more invisible, but we are present AND reading. A good mediation story now and then seems a good plan if you ask me!
And I don’t think that for us it is about you winning, it is more about the stories, the real people, the insights.
And I am pretty sure there must have been some cases where you were not completely happy with the outcome
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Awkward.
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It’s not awkward. Say what you wanna say…?
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I just meant that whole situation.
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For me, the most awkward part was ‘knowing’ somethings but having that knowledge being dismissed out of hand by a beginner, a beginner with a law degree who is friends with the boss. Confidence, I get. Arrogance I am passing familiar with but rude insistence is not how I do things. She was verging on that. She insisted she was in charge. She got crushed. But, but, but….if that served to teach her for the next time, that would have been a good thing. Failing is a better teacher than success. Did she get there? I dunno. I was gone in six months.
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I would guess not. The government closed the program a year or so after I left. They had three mediators at the time and, well, it did not work for them.
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Great story.
Reminds me of a cousin of mine.
She spent years getting her psychiatric degree.
Wanted to work with troubled kids.
Her FIRST case.
12 year old boy, fetal alcohol, ADD, impulsive, violent, etc etc etc.
Was remanded to custody for lord only knows what.
The 1st client meeting was in a room with carpet, nice posters, couch, table chairs etc.
The 12 year old, average sized, kid is brought in with a large, male, security guard. He’s quiet and uncommunicative.
The two female psychiatrists asked the guard to leave so they could talk to the kid alone.
Guard leaves.
The kid starts answering a few questions. No big deal.
Then.
One simple, innocuous question sets the kid into a rage.
He leaps from the chair and starts swinging it.
Knocks one gal out immediately and almost beats the other one to death.
Blood everywhere, the gal screaming for help….
The kid is tackled by other staff and these gals spent the next several years in counselling and physio rehab.
My cousin quit after almost 8 years of Psych Doctorate training…..
They were educated to the hilt ……and either had no people skills…..Or couldn’t recognize that this kid was getting agitated.
And lord only knows where that kid end up….because, his files are sealed.
and he’s an adult now.
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I confess a bias….a degree does not confer ability or competence. It confirms intelligence and theoretical knowledge but so will 3 months on the job. Experience and a degree adds up but experience is hard won. To me, attitude and brains shows up in the interview. The degree is only for authenticity. But I am biased. I know.
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The not listening part isn’t a a good recommendation for her services. I hope she did learn.
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