Out here we have some paranoid whackos. No question. Some of them – for years – have been claiming that the Homeland Security monitors cell phone calls (all of them!), e-mails and even your everyday whereabouts by tracking your cell phone even if you are not using it. They even claimed that the government monitors your internet activity! All of this coming from unkempt, unwashed, needing-a-haircut, conspiracy theorists who had no such devices or even friends. Or even indoor plumbing or a shower, for that matter.
‘Course, I considered them mad as hatters and, on so many other fronts, I stand by my judgment.
But, once again, I was wrong! And my local crazies had at least some of it right. My local comrades, I mean.
Edward Snowden admitted that, while working as a low level techie at Booz Allen, (a CIA consulting firm), he had access to anyone’s cell-phone records and any other information that he wanted at any time including general internet usage, Facebook and “anyone who ever used Google”.
Around the world!
I could be busted at anytime.
Therefore it behooves me to apologize now for any misstatements and prostrate myself before Big Sister asking for forgiveness for my trespasses and promising never ever to criticize government in all its myriad forms, recognizable or not, official or not, law-abiding or not, acting in the public interest or not, for as long as I live. So help me Janet Napolitano (director of Homeland Security). Amen.
Special and extra apologies to Dick and George for my uncalled-for remarks regarding their activities and motives regarding the Iraq war. Sorry, guys.
I state for the official record (are you getting this?) that I have always acted alone and that no other person, place or thing (dog) has knowingly cooperated with me in my efforts whatsoever. Although this was not by choice (it can get lonely at times), it is nevertheless true. I have no accomplices, collaborators or co-conspirators. Sally knows nothing! Clueless, I swear!
Further, no animals were ever harmed in any production of anything I have ever undertaken save for mosquitos and flies, prawns and the odd fish.
I admit to being critical of government at all levels and on all things and doing so for almost all of my 65 years. But I was only kidding. Honest. I love you guys. Out there protecting me and all? Looking out for my well-being. Gee whiz, it was just a joke! Honestly, you just keep on watchin’ me and mining my data, you’ll see. I’ll be good. Honest! Real good. In fact, if you want any information on anyone I know, just ask. I’ll spill my guts. To hell with those terrorists (oops, probably shouldn’t use that ‘key’ word), eh?
Well, at least I know I got your attention.
Listen, I got Jewish friends, Arabic friends, Chinese friends and……get this………weird conspiracy freaks hiding in the woods. You guys want them? I’ll cough ém up. Easy. Anything for security, eh?
God bless you, Janet!