Well, ahem….ummmm….I apologize……kinda. Here I was gettin’ all philosophical and nice and trying to fit in and ‘learn about the city’ like an open-minded guy complete with smartphone, hockey game and all….and…well…..I kinda lost it……sorry. I was trying NOT to act my age – be hip – and I should know better.
The hockey game was bad (Really bad. So bad, it made the news as B-A-D) and the smartphone kicked my butt but I really shouldn’t take it out on you. That’s not right. Worse than the right and wrong of it, you guys left me in droves. It was like a quiet riot-in-reverse. Exodus of the faithful, stage left! 50% of the readership avoided the last two blogs like the H1N1. Numbers fell like the Sedins.
You can’t vote with your dollars but I could feel the cold in the numbers. The love had left the building.
I’d make it up to you but I got nothing.
A little smartphone…maybe……?
Rogers gave me an upgrade. Blackberry Z30. Cool. Smart. Intriguing. And I was in the mood……………..so, I sidled up close, cupped her curvy shape into my hands and stroked ‘er. Got a nice response. Fingers up from the middle bottom first to get her started and then sideways this way and that to make her warm up. I was dizzy with the excitement. She was showing willingness. But, well….somehow…we weren’t clicking. It just wasn’t working.
“It is not you, baby. It’s me. I am just getting too old for this nonsense”. She remained difficult, petulant even and started to shut down. So, I tried again. And again. And two days later I finally gave up on ‘er. Took her back to the shop and said, “What am I doin’ wrong?”
The guys in the shop had their way with her and said, “It is not you! It’s her! DOA. Some bug in the system. Send ‘er back! We’ll send you another.”
“Ya know…but maybe not a Blackberry…? I mean…I have no problems with her pedigree or anything….some of my best phones were black……..but, well……maybe I better stick with my old standby, ya know…………I’ve had a Sony for a long time. Got a smart Sony?”
“Yep! We’ll send you a Sony, then?”
“Yeah, but you can take your time. I am just getting over one, ya know….? It was intense. Not quite ready for more pain. Not quite yet.”
“Hey, buddy, we understand. It is dog eat dog out there. Remember FIDO?”
“In the not-so-distant future, Theodore (Joaquin Phoenix), a lonely writer, purchases a newly developed operating system designed to meet the user’s every need. To Theodore’s surprise, a romantic relationship develops between him and his operating system” and onanism ensues.
Oh God! That’s right! And I admit to a weird sense of ‘loyalty’ that I brought to the exercise. I mean, like all thinking adults I had to admit that the chemistry just wasn’t there but I liked her. I really did! I never meant to hurt her.