We have a nurse practioner (90% of a doctor in drug-pushing rights and capable of all the minor in-office surgeries) as well as a full-on doctor who regularly visits our remote island this past year or so. They are great! The main reason for this program is that so many of the old hippies are developing issues that it made sense to ‘go to them’ rather than have old hippies miss their appointments or drown at sea trying to canoe in. First rule of the Hippocratic Oath, ‘Do no harm.’
So one of them comes every two weeks. I usually pick them up in my skiff from the other island and deliver them to this island’s ‘doctor’s office and, by doing so, can claim first appointment. If someone books ahead of me, I just do the ‘appointment’ with them as we walk up the steep hill to the ‘clinic’. I am always first.
Lately, they have been taking in young NPs-in training. These are nurse practitioners that have yet to graduate. And our remote island is deemed ‘colourful, challenging and real seat-of-the-pants’ doctoring. They think: if the NP can handle the OTG’ers, she can handle just about anything.
And, remember, I am usually first.
I get in the room with the student, A, who makes a point of looking studious while she looks at my chart. “Do ya need me naked?”
“No. I don’ think we will have to do any kind of exam. This is just blood test results.”
“I prefer getting my results naked.” I start to take off my shirt.
“No!” She says, giving me her stern-nurse look but smiling. “Keep you pants on, dude.”
“Well, I was thinking that maybe we should do a prostate exam, eh? I mean, you being just a student, eh? Better get in there and get familiar, right?”
“Wrong! No prostate exams today, Mr. Cox. Not on my watch! P told me about you!”
“P has never done a prostate exam on me. That’s how rumours start, you know? I might now tell everyone in the neighbourhood that P claims to have done a prostate exam on me. Maybe we should make an honest woman of her?” I start to undo my pants.
“That’s it! I am getting P in here, right now. We are gonna do a psychiatric assessment on you, that’s for sure!”
“Now you’re talkin’…….”
Pull their chain. If you’re gonna have a file then make it thick.
That’s more like it! So, what happened after you got naked?
I stood there. They looked. Then they said, “turn around”. So I did. Then there was a long silence. One of them hesitatingly asked, “Where’s the front?”
I got dressed.
They said, “We think you might have potato disease. It’s when you present as a lump regardless of which direction you are facing. We need to run some tests by sticking a fork in you. Are you allergic to gravy?”
I would go to a naturopath but they are usually vegetarian….
OK…..I am joking…. they looked, fell into a swoon and I had to revive them myself….
Yes. I am definitely booked for a psychiatric exam!
Just so long as they dont tell you that you have “Ed Zachary” disease……
My asian doctor once told me that after a prostate exam……..
Thats when your face lookes exactly like your butt!
I KNEW you could relate.
That reminds me of the old joke, ‘Hey you got a match? Yes, my face and your arse.’ Irony.